Female and 30: now what?

Thirty. Here I am, somewhere between «Kid, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you!» and «So, are you thinking about marriage and babies? The clock’s ticking.» And oh, how it ticks. Loudly and relentlessly. Along with the voices and questions inside and around my head, the metronome gives way to a cacophonous din reminiscent of an orchestra rehearsal gone wrong. With no conductor in sight. Instead, the recorder is wheezing out a bum note and somewhere at the back of the room, the drumsticks fall to the floor. No-one has any rhythm. As for me, I’m looking for a melody.

Dania Schiftan assures me that plenty of women in their thirties find themselves in the same predicament. In her work as a psychotherapist, she joins women in their search for the answers to life’s big questions.

Dania, I turned thirty a few days ago. Thoughts and emotions are going round and round inside my head. I’m asking myself questions about the future that seemed irrelevant for years, and suddenly, the answers can’t come quickly enough: what’s happening to me?
Dania Schiftan: You’re at an age where you’ve probably already experienced a lot of important life stages. Some kind of education, a few years at your company, your first relationship, your own apartment, and so on. On top of that, things around you are changing. For instance, when two out of three friends in your circle are getting married or pregnant. Loads of questions that you’d never asked yourself before come flooding in as a result. And one of them is: what now?

Yeah, what now?
The tricky thing about the situation is that, theoretically, you’ve got every possible option available to you. At the same time, though, a lot of things have been pre-defined to a certain extent. Your education or training, for example. Most people enjoy a certain standard of living at this stage in life, so they don’t necessarily want to go back to school or retrain simply because they feel like doing something new. So the question is actually: what do I want? And what can I do with what I have now?

It seems obvious to me that people would be thinking about their career and family planning. Are there any other issues that women in their thirties often want to discuss with you in therapy?
Obviously, every woman has her own backstory and developmental path. But the challenges my patients often face include making sense of life, their own attractiveness, and their changing bodies. Friendships that are suffering because someone involved doesn’t have the time for it or because they’ve reconfigured their free time around a partner, are issues as well. Same with financial planning. In contrast to our mothers or grandmothers, whose financial situations were linked to their partner’s, women are financially conscious in their own, independent way. When it comes to family planning, on the other hand, some people slip into traditional patterns and find themselves dependent on their partner, which causes them distress.

What’s the best way of dealing with these stress factors and inner turmoil?
At this stage of life, people often feel a sense of dissatisfaction or uncertainty and believe that there’s something wrong with them. But it’s a completely natural part of the process. The best thing to do is to listen to yourself and figure out which questions are actually coming up for you. After that, you can start dividing them into two categories: the «real» questions, i.e. the ones of genuine relevance to you, and then the questions that come up in social situations because «you’re at that age» where you’re supposed to be making these decisions.

Like getting married and having children?
Exactly. Women around the age of 30 are confronted with their declining fertility. They’re often expected to form an opinion and to know where they stand.

I’ve got to admit, I do feel uneasy knowing that I only have a limited number of eggs, while men can go on producing sperm right into old age...
Family planning is definitely one of the toughest decisions. Especially if you’re unsure about your future and don’t know whether you want to be a mother or not. On the other hand, if you are clear about what you want, your 30s are often easier. On a societal level, it’s also more and more difficult for women to feel that way.

When it comes to this issue, I personally find it difficult to tune out the voices all around me. It makes me feel like I can no longer hear my own.
That’s because we evaluate ourselves in relation to those around us: what norms and values do they live by? This is completely normal to a certain extent because we live in a community and want to belong. But if you’re still unsure, this can pressure you and make you feel insecure. It’s the same with friends who’ve already found the answers and know exactly what they want. You ask yourself: what’s wrong with me? Why am I different?

Does that mean my friends aren’t the best people to talk to about stuff like that?
It depends on how conversations between you usually play out. If your friends can engage in conversations like these in a non-judgemental way, show interest in you, and help you hear your own voice, then there’s no problem. If, on the other hand, your friends have a tendency to get defensive or argumentative regarding their own decisions, it’s more helpful to get professional support from someone with a neutral stance who’ll guide you through the decision-making process.

How do I approach the decision-making process?
It’s not a foregone conclusion for a woman to want or have children. So, the first step is admitting to yourself that you’re still unsure. To come to a decision, women need to take the time to do so. It often helps to dedicate certain slots in your diary to actively figuring things out. I also have patients who buy time by having their eggs frozen. Meanwhile, some do it because it’s simply too early for them to start thinking about family planning. They do it in the knowledge that the question will answer itself within the next five years.

And what if the question doesn’t just answer itself?
Thinking in this way puts women under a lot of pressure. Many are so afraid of not being fertile enough in a few years that they can’t even make use of the time they have left properly. If you constantly think about having to make a decision soon, you’ll feel blocked.

Some would argue that indecisiveness is also a decision. A decision against having children, in fact.
It’s not as simple as that. The answer to this question differs from person to person. There are many different sides to us as people. One side of us is still a child, another side is wounded, and so on. Most of us are carrying a small army of fragments like these within us. And because these parts of us have different needs, they often work against each other. The self-confident, adult part, for example, loves kids, while the child part still feels too neglected and needy, and in its distress can’t possibly imagine taking care of a child.

Sounds logical.
If your own feelings around having children are that murky, these different parts of yourself can get the space they need within the context of therapy to be heard and addressed. That way, we find out which parts of the patient need attention in order to heal. And so, after therapy, someone who’s initially undecided might then decide for sure to have children or not.

For the last 14 years, Dania Schiftan has been working as a sexologist and psychotherapist from her own practice in Zurich. She’s also a psychologist at Parship. You can find out more about Dania and her job in this interview: