Guide

Air conditioner shopping guide: «It’s gettin’ hot in here!»

10.7.2020

Translation: Katherine Martin

In summer, trying to keep the place cool is a nightmare. When that old «air the room in the morning, then close the shutters» chestnut stops working, you’ve got to bring out the big guns. Speaking of which, there’s a massive difference between a bargain-basement fan and a pricey air conditioner.

The year is 1997 and Eurodance is dominating the charts. After their breakthrough hit «Encore une fois!» in the Swiss charts the previous year, German DJ and dance project «Sash!», fronted by Sascha Lappessen, goes one better. Following their success in French, Spanish is to do the job this time. «Ecuador» climbs to number 8 in the Swiss charts. At this point, I still have a boombox, which I use to record songs from different radio stations and transfer them onto cassette tapes. Suddenly, to my amazement, a version of Ecuador that I haven’t heard before starts playing on SWR 3.

SWR 3 presenter Jan Garcia has rewritten the hit into parody song «Ventilator!», leaving in the legendary lyric «Hombre, ist das mörderheiss hier» – «Man, it’s deathly hot in here». My 14-year-old self is so amused by the parody that the single ends up on every mixtape I make for girls. And keeps me single for years.

Back then, I’d just moved up a level from my childhood bedroom on the first floor to the attic of my parents’ house. A good decision from my parent’s point of view, as it nipped the noise nuisance in our terraced house in the bud. Nobody considered how hot it’d be under the roof: after the first warm day of spring, the fan just wouldn’t cut it. Thirty degrees Celsius and above was standard in the area under the slanted window.

Thanks to my negotiating skills, an air conditioner was finally purchased from the hardware store. A monstrosity of a device with a gigantic hose hanging out of the window. At over 1000 francs, the price was gigantic, too. A sum they invested so they wouldn’t have to put up with the ups and downs of their son’s puberty or Eurodance mixtapes. Out of sight, out of mind. So the air conditioner rattled away, cooling down my room while my parents watched hit crime series «Tatort» downstairs.

Some progress has been made over the past 23 years. My mixtapes have improved and led to some success with the ladies. «Sash!» has vanished from the charts and collective memory. And air conditioners became more efficient and diverse. If you want coolness, you’ll need to consider a few things. There are, for example, some AC imposters you’d best give a wide berth.

Why cooling is the wrong word

Air conditioners cool the air. It’s just obvious, right? Wrong. «We feel like we’re blowing cold air into the room. But that’s not what we’re doing. Air conditioners extract heat from the room,» says Marco Brunner, technical consultant at air conditioning specialist Subag Tech in Baden. The room temperature decreases actively as a result. All this heat needs to get outside somehow. «Be wary of devices that promise to actively cool the air without using a hose or external unit», says Brunner. «On a purely physical level, that just doesn’t work.» Even so, I’ve included fans and air coolers in this guide. Sometimes, a slight breeze is more desirable than cold air being piped out of an air conditioner.

Mobile monoblock air conditioners

My old attic AC. A block cools the air in much the same way a fridge does. Warm air is extracted, which is then discharged from the window through a hose. Similar to the way dehumidifiers work, water condenses from the air as a result. These days, most devices redirect the condensed water outside in the form of water vapour. On particularly humid days, however, it could end up in the back-up tank, which you’ll occasionally need to empty. Monoblocks are flexible and easy to move around. All you need is a window with a sealed opening for the exhaust hose. In fact, this is the biggest problem. The window needs to be kept slightly open, which means warm air from outside makes its way back into the room. Manufacturers do provide corresponding window kits, which are supposed to seal the windows. As demonstrated by reviews on the Galaxus website, however, they never work properly. Another drawback is that these devices make a fair amount of noise.

Monoblocks can cool down smaller rooms very effectively despite these disadvantages. If you can live with the noise and the hose hanging out of your window, then they’re for you. The block can quickly be stowed away in winter and it doesn’t need to be specially installed.

Price
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Operation
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Cooling performance
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Noise
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Air conditioner shopping guide: «It’s gettin’ hot in here!»

Why cooling is the wrong word

Mobile monoblock air conditioners

Window kits for monoblock air conditioners

Split units

Mobile split air conditioners

Air coolers

Fans

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Ice, Ice, Baby! This is how to keep your kid’s room cool in heat waves

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