Yoda spreads nightmares in Disney's new bedtime hotline for children
Disney has come up with something really great for sleepless children: a hotline that they can call to have their favourite Disney characters wish them "goodnight". It's as broken as it sounds.
Good news. If you have trouble falling asleep at night, you can call the Disney Bedtime Hotline from 16 to 30 September. The number: 1-877-7-MICKEY. One of eight well-known Disney characters will then wish you "Good night". For example Yoda.
Well then, good night.
What the...?
Curious is not an expression at all. So you don't have to go to the expense of transcontinental calls - Disney claims "toll-free", but that probably only applies to calls within the USA - I've called for you. By the way, the number really works:
"1-877-7-MICKEY" becomes "001 877 764 2539".
A calm male voice picks up first.
Welcome to the Disney Store and shopdisney.com Disney Bedtime Hotline. To help you out with a little bit of magic for your bedtime routine...
A lot of Disney in one greeting sentence. Then the male voice babbles on for a full minute about Disney sleep products and Disney marketing offers that can be sent to your mobile at regular intervals at the touch of a button - the word "Disney" is used a further six times. I have counted. Plus cost blah blah blah and fees and stuff. As if a child would understand a single word of it. Who the hell actually writes these texts?
I want to sleep. Now!
Then I get to choose a character to wish me "good night":
- the one for Micky
- the two for Woody
- the three for Jasmin
- Four for Anna and Elsa
- Five for Yoda
- the six for Spider-Man
I'm going to connect with Yoda
.
A good day draws to a close, my young padawan. And yet still you think of adventure. Excitement. For the Jedi time to sleep as well it is. Find your adventure in dream. Close your eyes and reach out with your feelings.
This is not the voice of Frank Oz, the original Yoda spokesman, telling me to look for new adventures in my dreams. This is more like someone with a slightly deeper voice than Herbert, the creepy pensioner from "Family Guy" who is constantly stalking young Chris.
Feel the force surround you. Like a blanket it is. Hihi. Yes it is.
I should feel the force around me, which is like a blanket. Graciously.
In your dreams other places you will see. Old friends and new ones. See you there I will. For the Force is with you. Always.
In German: Yoda wants to ambush me in my dreams. The whole thing is so broken that I'd like to hang up and go to sleep straight away. That would be the goal. But I'm far too angry about all this shit to fall asleep straight away.
Logical consequence? I'll try out the other characters too. Maybe the Emperor will tell me the bedtime story of Darth Plagueis the sage.
Micky, you pervert!
The thought occurs to me that you know a company is making too much money if it can maintain a hotline where fictional characters wish you "good night". Not an app. A hotline.
Next up is Micky.
Hey there pal! It's me, Mickey Mouse. Gosh, am I glad you called. I can't wait to tell you about my day. Me and Pluto went fishing to the park and then we had a picnic with Minnie. And now... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
This can't be true. Is that porn!
After all that excitement, I am ready for bed. So long for now. Good night, pal!
I only realise after listening to it for the third time that Micky is not moaning, but yawning.
I try another one. There must be someone normal. A Steve Rogers aka Captain America, for example, who wishes me a patriotic good night. I can't find him. But Spider-Man does.
Whoo! I had such a crazy day. I was just whipping along, minding my own business, when my Spider-Sense started going nuts! There was a bankroberry near the park. Then a fire uptown. Then a cat caught in the trees, and then then a tree caught in the cats!
He talks about his day. It's far too exciting for me. There were bank robberies, fires, a cat caught in the trees and then a tree caught in the cats.
Wait, what?
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I'm an outdoorsy guy and enjoy sports that push me to the limit – now that’s what I call comfort zone! But I'm also about curling up in an armchair with books about ugly intrigue and sinister kingkillers. Being an avid cinema-goer, I’ve been known to rave about film scores for hours on end. I’ve always wanted to say: «I am Groot.»