“In the 'Chuck Norris Video Game' it doesn't matter which buttons you push because they all do the same move: Round House Kick To The Face.”
According to the Online Etymology Dictionary, the term "game" stems from Old English gamen “joy, fun; game, amusement,” […]said to be identical with Gothic gaman "participation, communion," from Proto-Germanic ga- collective prefix + mann "person," giving a sense of "people together." Enough of the history lesson (fyi: the exam will take place tomorrow and no, your dog did not eat your notes) but all this talk of joy, fun and amusement brings me to our first gadget: Worship the gods of music and danceth until thy legs falleth off – this guitar won’t only keep you fit and looking sexy but will also have you playing the hottest tracks on the planet in the comfort of your living room. On your massive screen. Off your face on bone-shaking sound blasted from ridiculously expensive hi-fi monsters! So in view of the etymology of the word “game”, this form of amusement will catapult you right back to the original meaning of the word. Back to the roots, my friends. Oldschool, baby. The real sh--. You get the idea.
And now it’s time for a game. This is my absolute uber tip; an eyes-closed safe bet that should be in every household on the planet: Just Cause 3! The storyline is about as far-fetched as the stunts and physics. Not to mention the cringe-worthy dialogue. And the over-the-top scenery will have you overdosing on mediterraneanism. But now you’ve got the lowdown, there’s only one thing to do: Switch your gaming machine on – PC, console or God-knows-what – brain off and well… waste or get wasted! To all you math geniuses out there: It’s brain off, remember? PS: If you have a vibrating controller, you’ll be feeling the afterpain from all that shooting until deep into the night. But hey, what could be nicer than a good night’s sleep after a long shoot out?
OK, time to get a grip and gently return to real life or you’ll miss out on the following weird and wonderful gaming facts – what an unbelievable source of information the Internet is! These ten facts will make you the star of the next LAN party: 1. Mario was named after a real estate developer who rented out a warehouse to Nintendo. His lawyer was called Luigi. 2. The world record of most times pressing the button on a video game controller in one second is 16 times. 3. Almost as many women (48%) as men (52%) are regular gamers. 4. Pac-Man is the most well-known arcade game hero in the world. 5. League of Legends is an official sport in the US – in other words, you can get a gaming visa. 6. Pokemon is a combination of the English words “pocket” and “monster”. 7. The longest gaming sessions always start with the following line: “Just one more mission!" 8. Gamers’ inventories are generally tidier than their bedrooms. 9. Sony Playstation was originally intended to be an additional CD drive for Super Nintendo. 10. If a gamer is no longer leaning forward in his or her chair, the situation is really, really serious.
You were playing Minecraft before anyone had even heard of it. And no doubt you were sporting one of those cool jackets covered in Canadian geese that nobody knew was cool at the time. Wow, respect! You’re a true gaming pioneer – a real Oetzi the Iceman of Tetris, the Ayrton Senna of Mario Kart and an insatiable glutton in the Pac-Man labyrinth. In view of this, we insist you extend your gaming arsenal with this wi-fi monstrosity! It may look like the Stone Heads of Easter Island but is probably more fun than those famous non-rolling stones. Don’t have the spare cash for it or don’t wish to spend it? Why not reconstruct it yourself “in-game”? We at digitec also felt inspired and created the leader and super guru of this rocky troop –evil uncle Zenon. And to keep him company, we added a crazy step cousin that is available in a fold-away version including a trolley bag and water-cooling… Ts, ts, ts, these young hotheads today!
It was a true bloodbath – after two and half exhausting hours of sheer endless and seemingly hopeless battle, you did it. All your enemies are strewn across the ground and are more or less voluntarily taking their hat off to your performance. To mark the occasion, you’ve decided to impress the spectators with 16.8 million colours on your keyboard – that’s one hell of a display of digital fireworks! I couldn’t believe that many colours actually existed so one fine day I decided to count them. What I learnt was that if you’re interrupted by a Whatsapp message when you’ve reached 15.792.864, the terms “aggression” and “placidity” are given a completely different meaning. Nonetheless, the pleasant play of colours makes a nice change to that dull daily grind of gaming. To eliminate all traces of blood and save you from constantly wiping down your PC case, we suggest investing in red LED strips. They’re perfect for hiding all traces. And to all you ladies out there: As we all know, red is the colour of love – so whoever said gamers were heartless can think again. Boom!! There’s a romantic bomb explosion for you! In your face, cupid!
Hang on! Before you rush home to dust off your Commodore 64, Sega Dreamcast or Super Nintendo and leave the real world behind you, here are some (gaming) words of wisdom: "I don't need to 'get a life' – I am a gamer, I have lots of lives!" Feel free to drop me a line in the comments field and tell me what you need to survive in the virtual and the real world. What’s your buyer’s pick? I look forward to honest, whacky contributions – and remember: There’s no such thing as a dumb comment. There are only dumb answers to dumb questions. And flaming. Right, that’s enough for today. – afk.
Senior Editor, Zurich